FORGIVING ONE’S GOOD SELF

FORGIVING ONE’S GOOD SELF

Thanks to: wilfullyobscure.blogspot.com

To forgive
myself
having done my best,
having been good
and innocent;
having given it all I knew,
having kept integrity,
having been responsible,
and committed
and consistent
and compassionate–

only to stand

here

after the fall
among the smoldering ashes
of my
most profound
commitments
in life
observing the
shimmering circles
of a daunting smoke
vanishing

with all my
dreams
and hopes

into
thin air–

Why does my
life–
built upon
purest intention,
profound faithfulness,
deepest dedication–
now seem like
expensive,
useless
wedding gifts
safely and securely
packed away,
unattended, useless
and forgotten?

There they
remain hidden away,
secluded inside
organized boxes
on dark
closet shelves,
now stark reminders
of forgotten promises,
deflated hopes
unfulfilled dreams.

What went wrong?
Who’s to blame?
I did
all the right things.
I worked hard
and prayed
did the best
I knew.
What went wrong?

Wasn’t my goodness
and faithfulness
and total commitment
enough??

What does God expect of me?
Why did God
leave me like this,
hanging by my
desperate finger tips?

Why does it seem
harder for good people
like us?

Why can others
forgive themselves
and find happiness
while I seem to
strive and writhe
in my own
swollen goodness?

Why is it
easier for a camel
to find its way
through the
needle’s eye
than for a
good and
responsible
and faithful
and committed
person

(like me)

to find the
way of
inner peace and
graceful
receptivity?

Why does it

seem harder

for good people

(like me!!)

who always

TRY

do the right thing?

Isn’t being good

and doing the right thing

what God wants

of me?

Then, why

am I so

miserable in

all my goodness?

I wonder why.

-Hal Edwards
September 18, 2012
Wauconda, IL

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